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normal person even imagine it? Staring at an full of gumdrops on the front porch, alongside 5
Elmer Fudd lunch box, I tried to divorce myself a sign reading DON’T BE GREEDY. In terms of
from everything I already knew: Elmer’s inability Halloween candy, individual gumdrops were
to pronounce the letter r, his constant pursuit just about as low as you could get. This was evi- section two
of an intelligent and considerably more famous denced by the large number of them floating in
rabbit. I tried to think of him as just a drawing, an adjacent dog bowl. It was disgusting to think /
but it was impossible to separate him from his that this was what a gumdrop might look like in
celebrity. your stomach, and it was insulting to be told not
One day in class a boy named William began to take too much of something you didn’t really David Sedaris
to write the wrong answer on the blackboard, and want in the first place. “Who do these Tomkeys
our teacher flailed her arms, saying, “Warning, think they are?” my sister Lisa said.
1
Will. Danger, danger.” Her voice was synthetic The night after Halloween, we were sitting
and void of emotion, and we laughed, knowing around watching TV when the doorbell rang.
that she was imitating the robot in a weekly show Visitors were infrequent at our house, so while
about a family who lived in outer space. The my father stayed behind, my mother, sisters, and
Tomkeys, though, would have thought she was I ran downstairs in a group, opening the door
having a heart attack. It occurred to me that they to discover the entire Tomkey family on our
needed a guide, someone who could accompany front stoop. The parents looked as they always
them through the course of an average day and had, but the son and daughter were dressed in
point out all the things they were unable to costumes — she as a ballerina and he as some
understand. I could have done it on weekends, kind of a rodent with terry-cloth ears and a tail
but friendship would have taken away their mys- made from what looked to be an extension cord.
tery and interfered with the good feeling I got It seemed they had spent the previous evening
from pitying them. So I kept my distance. isolated at the lake and had missed the oppor-
In early October the Tomkeys bought a 10 tunity to observe Halloween. “So, well, I guess
boat, and everyone seemed greatly relieved, we’re trick-or-treating now, if that’s okay,” Mr.
especially my mother’s friend, who noted that Tomkey said.
the motor was definitely secondhand. It was I attributed their behavior to the fact that
reported that Mr. Tomkey’s father-in-law owned they didn’t have a TV, but television didn’t teach
a house on the lake and had invited the family to you everything. Asking for candy on Halloween
use it whenever they liked. This explained why was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy
they were gone all weekend, but it did not make on November first was called begging, and it
their absences any easier to bear. I felt as if my made people uncomfortable. This was one of
favorite show had been canceled. the things you were supposed to learn simply by
Halloween fell on a Saturday that year, and being alive, and it angered me that the Tomkeys
by the time my mother took us to the store, all did not understand it.
the good costumes were gone. My sisters dressed “Why of course it’s not too late,” my mother
as witches and I went as a hobo. I’d looked for- said. “Kids, why don’t you . . . run and get . . . the
ward to going in disguise to the Tomkeys’ door, candy.”
but they were off at the lake, and their house was “But the candy is gone,” my sister Gretchen 15
dark. Before leaving, they had left a coffee can said. “You gave it away last night.”
“Not that candy,” my mother said. “The
1 “Danger, Will Robinson!” was a popular catchphrase from the other candy. Why don’t you run and go get it?”
1960s television series Lost in Space. —Eds.
Uncorrected proofs have been used in this sample. 167
Copyright © Bedford, Freeman & Worth Publishers.
Distributed by Bedford, Freeman & Worth Publishers.
For review purposes only. Not for redistribution.

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