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As the cultural historian John Charles Chasteen it, I thought lighter skin was more attractive. In
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describes in his book Born in Blood and Fire, a retrospect, it just made me look like a corpse.
person’s caste was recorded in their baptismal Looking back, there were other indica-
register and those of lower (and darker-skinned) tions that I was internalizing cultural tropes
castes were legally barred from, among other that suggested my features weren’t beautiful. I
Narrative
things, becoming priests, owning weapons, religiously read Seventeen magazine, and once
attending university, and even wearing silk. There used one of its makeup tips to try to make my
were 16 theoretical categories in all, though only nose look smaller. It involved drawing a line of
six were typically used. Some of the lower castes concealer down the middle and subtly blend-
were derisively given animal names such as Wolf ing it on the sides. (To my disappointment, it
or Coyote. Although the members of these six cat- didn’t work.) I was also embarrassed of my large
egories were legally prohibited from mixing, there mouth and lips, having been teased throughout
was a whole lot of boinking and raping going my childhood for my big ole’ kisser. The word
on, so it was inevitable. Ironically, because the “trompa,” which means trumpet, was a com-
Spanish crown was desperate for money, those monly used word to describe my mouth. My
from lower castes who became successful were brother once hilariously gave me a ladle when
allowed to purchase exemptions. You could actu- I asked for a spoon. The joking was all in good
ally buy your whiteness. fun, of course, but it nonetheless helped con-
I’d like to say that I’ve always been above 10 vince me that I looked clownish.
such backwards attitudes about race, but that It has taken me years of work to embrace
wouldn’t be true. When I was a kid, I sometimes the way I look. I credit my feminist education for
thought about how much easier life would be if I showing me that the world will always attempt
were white. Those Tanner brats from Full House, to make me feel insecure — capitalism is in fact
for one, seemed to have it made. Everyone based on this idea — and that I have to love
thought they were adorable, and their biggest myself with unwavering conviction. I recognize
problem was always something stupid, like get- today the internalized racism that affected me
ting the chickenpox. when I was younger. I thought my nose was too
Feeling alienated, as a teen, I chose to wide because it’s not the small and pointy nose
express myself with styles that consciously that Hollywood stars purchase from plastic sur-
pushed back on beauty norms. I went through a geons. Now I see that being embarrassed by my
disheveled goth phase during which I dyed my lips is ridiculous because people actually pay
hair jet black and wore fishnets, and an ascetic for theirs to look like mine. But, and here comes
phase that saw me shaving my head and don- the racism, society tends to consider those kinds
ning threadbare thrift clothes. I was sick of try- of features special and beautiful only on white
ing to fulfill some impossible ideal, of trying to women; Kylie Jenner has pretty much made a
be seen as “pretty,” so instead I gave the world career out of this. Though all of this is obvious
the finger. to me now, I was clueless as a teenager. Thank
One of the most shameful things I’ve ever you, bell hooks, Naomi Wolf, and all the feminist
done is attempt to lighten my skin. When I godmothers who have helped me dismantle the
was 15, I found some white Halloween liquid white patriarchy that I built inside myself.
makeup in my drawer left over from an old In the past few years, I’ve often been 15
vampire costume and started to add it to my confused for Greek, Italian, Middle Eastern,
foundation. Though I wasn’t quite conscious of and all kinds of Latin American. To my chagrin,

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