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For the first two weeks my mom was away I also had a newfound status on the carpool
5
our kitchen was stocked with covered dishes circuit. I rode shotgun everywhere. While my
prepared for my father, sister, and me by various friends were in the backseat discussing bra
women at my dad’s law firm. Casseroles mostly. sizes and boys, I sat in the front and listened
Heat and serve. If you saw our crowded fridge, it while their mothers opened up about a recent
Narrative
might look like we were preparing for a big party, MS diagnosis, spousal drinking, and kitchen
like the Super Bowl, or an unnamed celebration remodels. Trash compactors! Skylights! My own
wherein the family stuff themselves while their mother’s condition was a floodgate; apparently
wife or mother is in the hospital on account of now I could understand something that these
starving herself. There was a dish consisting of women’s daughters could not. We traded
tortilla chips, cheese, chicken, and a cream-of- diseases and misfortunes, swapped them like
something cream-colored, the final ingredient baseball cards. I stared at the car radio knobs
being the only one distinguishing it from nachos. or the fading “5” of the gear shift, empathically
This became our instant favorite. My dad learned nodding my head with the certainty of a scrubs-
how to make the tortilla casserole, we alternated wearing career nurse on a lunch break. “It will
those nights with bagel dogs, soft pretzels, or be a long struggle, yes.” “You’ll get through it.”
tamales from Costco, and we soon realized we As my friends embarked on adolescence,
might be able to survive on our own. In hind- developing what seemed to be a natural, God-
sight, I’m glad we had this time to practice. given talent for makeup and hair removal, my
Meanwhile, at junior high school and nose grew too big, my gums appeared to be
among my peers, I was mildly enjoying the sliding down my two front teeth, and my chest
attention that having a mother in the hospital and back remained indistinguishable from
granted me. An illness in the family felt like the each other. I felt the confidence of my younger
currency I needed to make myself more inter- self slipping away. But that didn’t matter to
esting. In home economics class we watched their moms. And I imagine it was they who kept
health movies that addressed the concerns of me on invite lists to birthday parties, weekend
1
body dysmorphia, a TV special called Little ski trips, and after-school mall excursions.
Miss Perfect, and one about bulimia, Kate’s After all, who else among their kids’ friends
Secret, starring Meredith Baxter Birney. I felt
as knowledgeable as the teacher and acted
accordingly. I broke down the difference
between bingeing and purging. I explained
2
what ipecac was. And, yes, I said, with a hint
of disbelief, bulimics sometimes hide bags
of vomit under their beds. My mom was 88 FPO
pounds and anorexic, but apparently I had
the market cornered on all eating disorders.
I wasn’t the prettiest or the smartest one in
school, I was desperate for a clear role among
my friends, and now I had one. I was someone
they felt sorry for. Here is a poster created for the remake of the film
Brownstein references in her narrative.
1 Body dysmorphia: a psychological disorder caused by an obsession What is included in this image that communicates
with a perceived defect in one’s appearance. —Eds. a perspective about body image?
2 Ipecac: a drug in a syrup form that induces vomiting. —Eds.
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